a lil emo post for today. its been a while since i last put up an emo post on this blog. life is not perfect. where got people always happy happy wan? bull...
well, ok la. not that emo. just something i wanna reflect myself on wtf is wrong with me these days until i rammed through a huge ass hole and punctured my tyre. =.=
after all the shitty rships i've been through, i somehow learnt how not to expect anything from it anymore to avoid disappointment. when i dont expect something, i stop giving. and the question is, how to keep it alive then if i am not giving? rship is not about 1 person. its 2... in fact sometimes the whole village. but when minus the village, it is about 2 person. so, it is impossible to only have 1 person pumping in efforts and the other not doing anything.
sometimes i tried to pull myself back. being reserve a lil. but seemed like nothing is right. cos if i pull myself back, meaning lesser effort pumped in. lesser effort meaning rship wont work out. like i said above, it takes 2... but then when i throw myself in 101% in a rship, its all the insecurity and fear feeling that i dont like about...
1, fear of being cheated
- well, for obvious reasons. who likes getting cheated on? even simple lie oso 'mm song' d la. still have yet to learn how to counter this. i always get insecure. sighs...
2, fear of not putting enough effort
- one of my ex always say that i dun put much effort in the rship and ended up arguing almost everyday. so, to avoid arguments, i try putting more effort everyday and when i had enough and broke up, den she listed allllll the things and did for her. =.= . i guess this will continue on cos i really dont like arguing. who does?
3, fear of not enough patience
- me and my hot temper. 'nuff said. but then again, i learnt to toned down when i was being a shadow back then. but still, the fear is there so sometimes i tend to 'tahan' until i... hehe... *zip*
4, fear of not enough time
- being in a service industry is hectic. wat more, im working in a 24/7 operating call center with rotating shifts. i received gazillions missed calls and sms from my ex. argue about not enough time for her. the end. *doot doot doot doot doot*
so whenever i see my shift cant meet the time to spend more time with my other half, i'll try to put more effort to make it up to her. and when i try to put more effort, it will go back to point #2...
5, fear of being OVER imaginative
- i was, however an art student. so imaginations tend to run... a little wild. i wish my imaginations would run as wild in my sense of creativity instead. but no... it decided to run wild to create my own nightmare. i would start imagining wat would happen if this... if that... all sort of stories/fairytales/nightmare would come up. especially when my calls and sms werent returned.
well, over the time, i learnt to bury them and told myself, as long as they return calls/sms meaning they're safe. :)
so far i only can think of all these. but above all these always lead me to one ending... running away. i dont know how to cope, i'll run. it sometimes did cross my mind, "what about the effort and time that was spent in this?". but it didnt really affect me previously. i'll still run. i know i cant be running away forever. but what are the limits? what is the limit to reach so that i wont run away regreting? im tired of all these fears, i am also tired of running (cos im fat? ok. lame. sorry). so, what's next?
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