I’ve been feeling shitty for the past week. Broke down twice, two days, back to back. First, I was feeling all the low self-esteem shit. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see a haggard woman with messy hair. Doesn't help much that my postpartum hair is growing. They looked like an abandoned land covered with grass which desperately needs a gardener to trim the grass. Unfortunately, my hair can't be trim for now. I have to let it grow longer so that my hair looks normal again.
I even have the “urge”.
I started searching for information related to depression. Apparently, postpartum depression can happen even after 10 months giving birth. But the question is, am I having depression?
I don’t think so… I think.
Usually, after a shower, my husband will head to the room and call it a night. While I’ll stay in the living room to wait for the time to pump. I try not to stay in the room too long cos I don’t wanna wake Chloe up. Even if she wakes up, I don’t want her to see me and cry and wants to be carried. But on the night of my second break down, he stayed in the living room after a shower. I was surprised. He didn’t know I had a second break down.
We talked a while. That is all I need. A talk. It didn’t matter what we talked. What mattered is, him spending time with me. I didn’t realize that I was feeling like that because I was lack of interaction with a person whom I can be myself. The way to keep me sane.
The next day I woke up feeling less dreadful. I still dread, but less.
Today during dinner, he suddenly said, “Thank you”.
“Thank you for taking care of Chloe and sorry that you need to go through all these. “
It warms my heart.
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