just when i thought my life will get better this month, another shit happened...
sighs...
after work, i stayed back a while to have small talks with my colleagues about iris online. they convinced me that since i am only at level 2 human mage, i shall delete my character and create a warlock instead.
ok. out of topic. anywaysss...
i went down to withdraw some money and went to the toilet. went to clear off some debts, and then i realised my vision is blur. and then oni i realised, my specs...
i went back to the toilet to check. not there anymore. i asked the cleaner if she seen any specs in the cubicle. "takda, takda. saya baru masuk." which is bullshit bcos i saw her b4 i entered the cubicle, and she was still there when i left the toilet. i was too devastated to fight back at that point of time. and the way she answered me, now i think back, i really feel like slapping her and throw her into the toilet bowl. mcb.
so i was blind for the next 1 hour of my life.
but i got no choice. i dont have a spare specs in my car, no contact lens. and i think it is stupid to purposely buy contact lens cos i have the whole box at home.
so... i drove back blindly.
those who drove along bangsar towards mont kiara yesterday experienced some bloody idiot driving like a blind fuck. i guess that would be me.
after having massive headache from driving like a blind bitch in the dark, i reached home and locked myself in the room and... i broke down.
seriously, this month i would have just nice to use, not worrying about not enough. and that is also have to spend damn bloody wisely on food and parking, excluding shopping. and now i lost my specs, which obviously i need to get a new one to replace it. ya, sure. it can be claimed under my company's benefits but where do i find the money to pay 1st and then only claim?
i cried like a mad fuck in the room until my aunt and grandma came in to console me.
and now i am having goldfish eyes, feeling damn sleepy with contact lens on.
a lil emo post for today. its been a while since i last put up an emo post on this blog. life is not perfect. where got people always happy happy wan? bull...
well, ok la. not that emo. just something i wanna reflect myself on wtf is wrong with me these days until i rammed through a huge ass hole and punctured my tyre. =.=
after all the shitty rships i've been through, i somehow learnt how not to expect anything from it anymore to avoid disappointment. when i dont expect something, i stop giving. and the question is, how to keep it alive then if i am not giving? rship is not about 1 person. its 2... in fact sometimes the whole village. but when minus the village, it is about 2 person. so, it is impossible to only have 1 person pumping in efforts and the other not doing anything.
sometimes i tried to pull myself back. being reserve a lil. but seemed like nothing is right. cos if i pull myself back, meaning lesser effort pumped in. lesser effort meaning rship wont work out. like i said above, it takes 2... but then when i throw myself in 101% in a rship, its all the insecurity and fear feeling that i dont like about...
1, fear of being cheated
- well, for obvious reasons. who likes getting cheated on? even simple lie oso 'mm song' d la. still have yet to learn how to counter this. i always get insecure. sighs...
2, fear of not putting enough effort
- one of my ex always say that i dun put much effort in the rship and ended up arguing almost everyday. so, to avoid arguments, i try putting more effort everyday and when i had enough and broke up, den she listed allllll the things and did for her. =.= . i guess this will continue on cos i really dont like arguing. who does?
3, fear of not enough patience
- me and my hot temper. 'nuff said. but then again, i learnt to toned down when i was being a shadow back then. but still, the fear is there so sometimes i tend to 'tahan' until i... hehe... *zip*
4, fear of not enough time
- being in a service industry is hectic. wat more, im working in a 24/7 operating call center with rotating shifts. i received gazillions missed calls and sms from my ex. argue about not enough time for her. the end. *doot doot doot doot doot*
so whenever i see my shift cant meet the time to spend more time with my other half, i'll try to put more effort to make it up to her. and when i try to put more effort, it will go back to point #2...
5, fear of being OVER imaginative
- i was, however an art student. so imaginations tend to run... a little wild. i wish my imaginations would run as wild in my sense of creativity instead. but no... it decided to run wild to create my own nightmare. i would start imagining wat would happen if this... if that... all sort of stories/fairytales/nightmare would come up. especially when my calls and sms werent returned.
well, over the time, i learnt to bury them and told myself, as long as they return calls/sms meaning they're safe. :)
so far i only can think of all these. but above all these always lead me to one ending... running away. i dont know how to cope, i'll run. it sometimes did cross my mind, "what about the effort and time that was spent in this?". but it didnt really affect me previously. i'll still run. i know i cant be running away forever. but what are the limits? what is the limit to reach so that i wont run away regreting? im tired of all these fears, i am also tired of running (cos im fat? ok. lame. sorry). so, what's next?
i guess this would be my most un-happening xmas ever!
on 24th after my shift, i rushed down to bkt jalil to join TI's final OTT of 2010. boy, the jam in MV was sickening! it took me about 45mins to get out from MV city area!
S@I wanted to drag me to sunway for the countdown. along with ColdBlooded but i was too lazy to follow. was tired and kinda sleepy. and plus, i got other plans later on at nite.
after the OTT, which ended about 12am+. officially entered xmas day... :P
was being shuu'ed back home 1st cos something urgent came up. but i was too tired, i dozed off until he called. the bed and the air-cond was then being abandoned by me and i went out again at about 3am.
after few rounds of games which ended at about hrmm... 5am? or was it 6am? headed back to my area for dim sum. my eyes can hardly open alre. =.=
and to my surprise, after dim sum, he turned in to another cyber cafe for more games. which i understand... it's xmas. it's public holiday. and plus... something's bothering him. continue gaming. which i didnt regret cos i finally got my hands on iris online!
colleagues have been bugging me to play iris online by gpotato. all the cyber cafes i went to only have iris by funmily. which is in chinese ver. even the cyber cafe that we went to this morning. but i downloaded the game on the spot, which to my surprise... it only took approx 1 hour to complete. ^^ damn cute! but still damn blur la me. :(
the sky turned bright and it was about 10am alre. he sent me home to sleep. and he went back home as well...
and guess what? i woke up at 3 and i went out again. :P
went hunting for gt wing with joel around sunway and puchong area. nil result. =.=
anson just got back from malacca and its been a long time since i last meet up with him so we decided to have dinner at EJ's place in bandar puteri. damn long never see her d~ after sitting there for some time chit chatting... we left and i was being sent home to get my car so that i can go to work...
yup...
work...
midnight shift... ^^
slept from 10am till 3pm and now i am at work until tmrw 8am... syok-ness... ^^
* * *
random update:-
my akina-chan is back! friday, i requested my aunt to take my car with her so that she can send to the tyre shop near her office. and tyre cannot be fixed and needed to replace a new one. i couldnt stand driving 70kmh on highway to work so i ended up driving my aunt's car to work and left my vava with her since she only travel by car nearby. i was thinking to skip the replacing and do it next week. when i called my aunt at nite to check if the shop is open on xmas day itself. she said no cos it is PH for them too but why wanna go back to the shop? i said to change tyre lor. and i got surprised when she told me she alre asked them to replace it and it is my xmas pressie... taayyaarrr... :P
and now, i can drive like mad cow again. no more 70kmh on highways yo! (mmg tak tau mati... :P)
[Chorus - Hayley Williams] Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now) Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
(Dreamin’, I’m fallin, Dreamin’, I’m fallin)
[B.o.B - Verse 1] Lets pretend like its 98, like I’m eating lunch off of Styrofoam treys Trying to be the next rapper coming out the A Hoping for a record deal, to re-know my pain Now lets pretend like I’m on the stage And when my beat drops everybody goes insane (Ok) And everybody know my name (B.o.B) And everywhere I go people wanna hear me sang Oh yea and I just dropped my new album On the first week I did 500 thousand Gold in the spring and diamond in the fall And then a world tour just to top it all off And lets pretend like they call me the greatest Selling out arenas with big ass stages And everybody loved me and no one ever hated Lets try to use imagination
[Chorus - Hayley Williams] Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now) Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
[B.o.B - Verse 2] Ok, let’s pretend like this never happened Like I never had dreams of being a rapper Like I didn’t write raps in all of my classes Like I never used to runaway into the blackness Now lets pretend like it was all-good Like I didn’t live starring in a notebook Like I did the things I probably knew I should But I didn’t have neighbours that’s why they call it hood Now lets pretend like I aint got a name Before they ever called me B.o.B or a.k.a Bobby Ray I’m talking back before the mixtapes Before the videos and the deals and the fame Before they ever once compared me to Andre Before I ever got Myspace Before they ever noticed my face So let’s just pretend and make wishes out of airplanes
[Chorus - Hayley Williams] Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now) Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
(And it seems like yesterday it was just a dream, just memories)
[Eminem - Verse 3] Let’s Pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen Let’s pretend things would’ve been no different Pretend people procrastinated had no motivation Pretend he just made excuses that was so paper thin they could blow away wit the wind Marshall you never gone make it, makes no sense to play the game it ain’t no way that’ll you win Pretend he just stand out side all day and play with his friends Pretend he even had a friend to say was his friend And it wasn’t time to move in school no changing again He wasn’t socially awakard and just strange as a kid He had a father and his mother wasn’t crazy as sh-t And he never dreamed he can ripped stadiums he just lazy as shit F-ck a talent show in the gymnasium bitch You won’t amount to sh-t quit day dreaming kid You need to get ya cranium check you thinking like an alien It just ain’t realistic Now pretend they ain’t just make him angry with this sh-t And there was no one he could even aim when he’s pissed with And his alarm went off to wake him but he did’nt make it to the rap Olympics Left to his plane and he missed it He’s gonna have a hard time explaining to Haley and Laney these food stamps and WIC shit Cause he never risked sh-t he hoped and he wished it But it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even hear it he pretends that
[Chorus - Hayley Williams] Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now) Can we pretend that airplanes In the night sky Are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
From how i see it, not much of achievements. Which suddenly made me felt that, such a failure. And by reading all my post from January 2010, my life is in such a mess!
2011, a better year? Hopefully. I probably should pray hard that it will not be more screwed up than 2010...
On the first page of our story The future seemed so bright And this thing turned out so evil I don’t know why I’m still surprised Even angels have their wicked schemes And you take that to new extremes But you’ll always be my hero Even though you lost your mind
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that’s alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie I love the way you lie
Now this gravel in our voices Glass is shattered from the fight In this tug of war You’ll always win Even when I’m right Cause you feed me fables from your hand With violent words and empty threats And it’s sick that all these battles Are what keeps me satisfied
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that’s alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie Ohhh, I love the way you lie
So maybe I’m a masochist I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories
[Eminem] This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills, you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’ I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’ this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts Just gonna stand there and hear me cry But that’s alright because I love the way you lie I love the way you lie Ohhh, I love the way you lie I love the way you lie
